What You Want in Life

As I mentioned in my last post, things have been looking up lately. I've realized that most of this is due to the fact that I'm getting to know myself really well, and are making decisions accordingly. I'll be honest, for a little while now I've been pretty lonely and sad about being lonely, but tonight I had a breakthrough. I decided to brave the cold winter weather and take a long walk. I cleared my head, walked to a park and sat on the swings there for a good 45 minutes. I let my mind wander to what things it would, and once I got a topic in my brain, I'd think and ponder about it. The idea of lonliness came to mind and so I thought about it.

I thought about how I haven't been able to find someone that fits in my life. I've fooled myself into liking people that I thought were attractive or had a great personality, but love is more than personality. Love is about being who you are, knowing who you are, and finding someone who feels the same. You can't discover who you are while you're in a relationship because other people can influence you more than you know. Because I have been alone for so long, I now know what it is that I want. I have the ability to sit down and think really hard about whether someone that I think I like is what I need in my life at this point.

What I discovered is that I need someone who is like me. Someone who has been through enough to understand what it feels like to be me. Someone who has struggled. Someone who has to fight for what they want because they know what it is and will defend it no matter what. Someone who makes up their mind and sticks with it. Someone who has a firm grasp on what they know to be true and who fights for that truth every day of their life. That is who I want.
It's only been through self-reflection that I've realized what and who it is that I need. Now I just need to find them. I am a firm believer that because I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going, that I will find someone who feels the same way and he will fit in my life.

I plan on changing the world. Not in the cliched sense of it, but on changing the part of the world that I come in contact with. There is a reason why I'm on this earth at this time and why I am where I am. I have a mission to fulfill. I have people I need to meet and help to change their lives. My dreams may seem small to some, but to me, they are everything. I am going to finish school. I am going to pay off my debt. I am going to buy a house. I am going to get married. I am going to have a family. I am going to become a teacher. These are things that I know will happen. Maybe not in this order, but they will happen. I will make sure of it. I don't know what will come after those things, because much of my life will depend on how those things work out. However, I have direction, I have motivation, and I have the Spirit to guide me to whatever happens next in my life and that is the most important tool that I have.

Knowing what you want is more freeing than limiting because everything that you need will eventually fall into place. You will be able to understand what it is that you need to do as you listen to the promptings of the Spirit and ponder on the things in your life that need changing. Once you begin to feel that change, the world opens up to you and there is nothing that you can't accomplish if it is a right and worthy goal. This I know. All the righteous desires of our hearts will be fulfilled as we ask that they be fulfilled and are willing to do whatever it takes to live worthy of those goals. As you come to know yourself-who you are, what you want, and where you want to be-you will find happiness in so many areas of your life and you will feel extremely blessed.

Until next time,
-J

Renewal

"Winged bird

Have they cut your wings

Songed Bird

Can you no longer sing

Heartbroken bird

Has your heart died

Then go, enchanted bird,

Far, far beyond

the sky

Go, pinioned bird,

where you don't

need to fly

Beyond the sun

of Icarus' demise

where wings

do not melt

where eyes

do not cry

Parachute on winds

With renewal of wings

Again you are singing

Again you are strong

Only one day,

Silver voiced bird,

will you come

back to sing

one silver note

for me?"

-s.k.lindeman

Last month, I had gotten to my breaking point. I was so upset with myself, with my life, and with everything that was going on. Because I had that breakdown, I had a chance to vent all of my frustrated feelings and evalute what was making me so depressed. The last 4 weeks, things have been so amazing. I've been able to have perspective, to look forward with faith, and move on to bigger and better things. I know where my priorities lie. I have some days that are better than others, but for the most part, things are good.

until next time,
-J