What You Want in Life

As I mentioned in my last post, things have been looking up lately. I've realized that most of this is due to the fact that I'm getting to know myself really well, and are making decisions accordingly. I'll be honest, for a little while now I've been pretty lonely and sad about being lonely, but tonight I had a breakthrough. I decided to brave the cold winter weather and take a long walk. I cleared my head, walked to a park and sat on the swings there for a good 45 minutes. I let my mind wander to what things it would, and once I got a topic in my brain, I'd think and ponder about it. The idea of lonliness came to mind and so I thought about it.

I thought about how I haven't been able to find someone that fits in my life. I've fooled myself into liking people that I thought were attractive or had a great personality, but love is more than personality. Love is about being who you are, knowing who you are, and finding someone who feels the same. You can't discover who you are while you're in a relationship because other people can influence you more than you know. Because I have been alone for so long, I now know what it is that I want. I have the ability to sit down and think really hard about whether someone that I think I like is what I need in my life at this point.

What I discovered is that I need someone who is like me. Someone who has been through enough to understand what it feels like to be me. Someone who has struggled. Someone who has to fight for what they want because they know what it is and will defend it no matter what. Someone who makes up their mind and sticks with it. Someone who has a firm grasp on what they know to be true and who fights for that truth every day of their life. That is who I want.
It's only been through self-reflection that I've realized what and who it is that I need. Now I just need to find them. I am a firm believer that because I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going, that I will find someone who feels the same way and he will fit in my life.

I plan on changing the world. Not in the cliched sense of it, but on changing the part of the world that I come in contact with. There is a reason why I'm on this earth at this time and why I am where I am. I have a mission to fulfill. I have people I need to meet and help to change their lives. My dreams may seem small to some, but to me, they are everything. I am going to finish school. I am going to pay off my debt. I am going to buy a house. I am going to get married. I am going to have a family. I am going to become a teacher. These are things that I know will happen. Maybe not in this order, but they will happen. I will make sure of it. I don't know what will come after those things, because much of my life will depend on how those things work out. However, I have direction, I have motivation, and I have the Spirit to guide me to whatever happens next in my life and that is the most important tool that I have.

Knowing what you want is more freeing than limiting because everything that you need will eventually fall into place. You will be able to understand what it is that you need to do as you listen to the promptings of the Spirit and ponder on the things in your life that need changing. Once you begin to feel that change, the world opens up to you and there is nothing that you can't accomplish if it is a right and worthy goal. This I know. All the righteous desires of our hearts will be fulfilled as we ask that they be fulfilled and are willing to do whatever it takes to live worthy of those goals. As you come to know yourself-who you are, what you want, and where you want to be-you will find happiness in so many areas of your life and you will feel extremely blessed.

Until next time,
-J

Renewal

"Winged bird

Have they cut your wings

Songed Bird

Can you no longer sing

Heartbroken bird

Has your heart died

Then go, enchanted bird,

Far, far beyond

the sky

Go, pinioned bird,

where you don't

need to fly

Beyond the sun

of Icarus' demise

where wings

do not melt

where eyes

do not cry

Parachute on winds

With renewal of wings

Again you are singing

Again you are strong

Only one day,

Silver voiced bird,

will you come

back to sing

one silver note

for me?"

-s.k.lindeman

Last month, I had gotten to my breaking point. I was so upset with myself, with my life, and with everything that was going on. Because I had that breakdown, I had a chance to vent all of my frustrated feelings and evalute what was making me so depressed. The last 4 weeks, things have been so amazing. I've been able to have perspective, to look forward with faith, and move on to bigger and better things. I know where my priorities lie. I have some days that are better than others, but for the most part, things are good.

until next time,
-J

The Breakdown

Can't eat, can't sleep.
Can't find anything to keep me going.
The things I enjoy are outweighed by the things I don't.
Feeling lost and stuck between two.
Need smiles, need hugs.

Writing a Book...Maybe

Well, I had the great idea recently that I need to write a book. I've been listening to a bunch of John Bytheway talks and stuff, and it has inspired me. I've had a couple of questions pop into my mind recently and they've stuck with me. I've been pondering on them for a while and now I'm thinking about making a book with my findings and research on one topic in particular. I won't let you know what that topic is, in case I decide to change it, but it's something that has been bothering me for a while...since I don't know everything I feel that I should about it. Anyway, just a short update on my life.

Until next time,
-J

King Benjamin

Today as I was sitting in sacrament meeting, I was reading in Mosiah 2, which is King Benjamin's speech until his people. As I was reading, it was as if I could see him on the tower, proclaiming his message to all the people, and it was as if I was one of those people, touched by his words. Some of the more notable verses that stuck out to me are:

"I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another— I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants. And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you. And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him. And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast? And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth; yet ye were created of the dust of the earth; but behold, it belongeth to him who created you" (Mosiah 2:20-25 emphasis added)

I removed the verse numbers so that you could read it more like it would have been said. I had been feeling pretty good about myself up until a week ago. I have had an issue I was struggling with and was doing pretty well at managing it, but it wasn't until I started to boast of myself, that I was reminded and humbled by the Lord. I am an unprofitable servant and I was relying on the arm of man and not the arm of God.

I'm paraphrasing, but someone told me that you and God are a majority. It doesn't matter how many people are against you, He will always win. If we take into account all of the things mentioned in this passage, it is quite humbling to realize that all that we need to do is keep the commandments. God wants to bless us, He's promised us that He will if we keep His commandments. So why don't we? Don't we want those blessings? Don't we want to be happy? Is it really harder to keep the commandments-when we are supported by the Saviour, by Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost-than to live in the torment that we become trapped in as servants to the adversary? Think hard.

To reinforce this idea, verse 31 says "...if ye shall keep the commandments of my son [Mosiah], or the commandments of God which shall be delivered unto you by him, ye shall prosper in the land, and your enemies shall have no power over you".

Essentially he is saying that if you listen to the words and commandments given of the Lord from the living prophet, and do them, then your enemies will have no power over you. God plus one other person equals a majority. And also, for those of use who know, who have listened to the Prophet and the Lord and don't do those things, "To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin" (James 4:17) That is what we call a sin of omission, rather than commission. So even if you're not going out and doing horrible things, if you're not going out and doing good, following the commandments of God, then you are committing sins of omission and do need to repent of them.

All of that being said, I've had a pretty humbling 24 hours and I am trying to get back on track. I know that as I strive to be better, that the power of God and of the Saviour's Atonement are with me and supporting me, helping me to become better. I hope you all know that as well.

Until next time,

-J

Sheri Dew

As promised, here's my follow up about what Sheri Dew spoke on at the Toronto conference in July.

As sister Dew got up to speak, she told us that she was going up to the pulpit, not knowing what it was she needed to speak on that night. She mentioned some of the comments people had said to her as she asked them about the conference. One guy mentioned that he had met a cute girl, so that was good (lol). From there, she decided to give us a little background on herself. Sheri Dew is a 57-year-old single (never been married) woman. She is President and CEO of Deseret Book (an LDS publication company) and she served as a councellor in the general Relief Society presidency.

Sister Dew said that she wasn't married, and not for lack of trying or opportunity. She said that the opportunities she had just didn't feel right or they didn't work out. She said "never in the history of the world has any husband been prayed about more than mine has". That made me fall in love with the woman. She said that she understood the importance of spouses and children, because she had neither of them. Nothing in her life could fill that void. Sister Dew expressed her faith that the Lord has assigned her to a mission that doesn't require her to get married at this point in her life, but she continues to hope and pray that someday it will happen for her.

From there, Sister Dew went on to speak about our conference. She said that we, as YSA, go to conferences like that one because we want to come away from it changed. Then she moved on to, what I feel, was the main message she gave that day (which she didn't prepare for in advance, but was amazing regardless). She began by saying that God knows who you are, where you are, and what your mission is in life. He knows exactly what you need to accomplish this mission.

Sister Dew then quoted 2 Nephi 28, and said that the adversary's main mission is to:
-get you confused about who you are
-get you confused about your gender identity
-at all cost, he will prevent you from finding out what the Saviour did when he atoned
and
-he will try to prevent you from learning how to receive personal revelation

She said that sometimes we act like we're going to stay in the earth, that we have lots of time to repent and get on the right track, but we're not going to stay here, and we don't have much time.

Sister Dew spoke of how almost all prophets from the beginning of time have spoken about Christ and the Latter-Days. She said (and this is my favourite quote) that "foreordination is profound divine confidence". That really struck me, and I challenge you to really think about that for a minute.

From there she gave us some advice on how to counteract the adversary's mission. She quoted D&C 33:3-6 and said that we must be fearless in building Zion. She also said to read D&C 138 and Abraham 3 looking for the verses that talk about the "noble and great ones". She said that we can become the noble and great ones, and to ask the Lord to speak to you about those verses.

Sister Dew told us to get clear on who we are. She said to learn about what the Saviour did when He atoned and how eager He is to help us. Luke 4:18. The doctrine of the Atonement is a doctrine of healing. Christ has strengthening and enobling power. 3 Nephi 11:32. She told us to repent and believe and to ask for help with our struggles and weaknesses. She also told us to "unplug" ourselves. Cut the time you spend "plugged in" to the world in half because it affects your ability to feel the spirit. Are we going to listen to the Lord or to the world? And finally, she said to learn the language of revelation. Learn what it sounds like when the Lord speaks to you.

This conference confirmed to me that my Heavenly Father knows who I am and what I need in my life. He understands what I need to hear and what I need to feel in order to accomplish my own personal mission. I feel a little closer to that mission now, and feel like I am figuring it out. I hope that you will ponder on what your mission may be (or even missions, because we may have more than one!) and that you will ask and seek and pray about it.

Until next time,
-J

Thoughts to Ponder

As a follow up to my last entry, I thought that I'd share some of the things that I learned at the Toronto conference. I took some notes and I think that the things we learned can really help everyone in their lives. So here goes.

David Ulrich (look up a bio of him, he's totally awesome!)

He based his talk on a scripture John 10:10 "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly"

He said that in a world in crisis (economic recession, psychological recession, mental illness, cynicism, hostility, erosion of commitment, isolation, challenges of change, uncertainty about the future etc.) we need to find abundance or meaning in the decisions we make. Places we can find abundance include work, home/family, church, personal life, and friends.

Brother Ulrich gave 8 questions and ideas of how we can accomplish these questions.

1. Identity: What am I known for?

• Be self aware

• Build on your strengths...then strengthen others

-create and identity that you want to be seen as
-what are my strengths?
-What am I good at?
-If you don't like your identity, CHANGE IT!

2. Purpose: Where am I going?

• Figure out your definition of success (what do I want?): insight, achievement, affiliation, empowerment
• Be willing to satisfice

-Satisfice--some things are worth doing even if they're done poorly...meaning that some things you need to do for experience, or because they're so important even just to go through the motions, because they will help you to grow.
- don't let things happen to you make things happen

3. Relationships: who do I travel with?

• Close vs. loose ties
• Give and receive bids
• conflict resolution: avoid deadly horsemen: defensive, stonewall, contempt, criticize
• Repair: apologize (did, feel, fix, else?)

-We need "loose" friends because they come and go in our lives, they are the ones we are going to learn from the most, not the people we see every day
-learn to disagree without being disagreeable

4. Engagement: what challenges interest me?

• easy, energizing, enjoyable
• Guaranteed success
• Evolve challenges (time and season)

-do what engages us

5. Context: How do I build a positive work and life setting?

• surround with positive people
• practice service, grace, humility, charity, forgiveness
• Find resources that meet my demands

6. Resilience/learning: how do I respond to setbacks?

• Do hard things...experiment outside comfort zone
• see failure as an opportunity to learn
• build learning agility (reflect, improve, adapt)

-trials are hard, and you don't always have to be happy while experiencing them, but you can think, MAN am I gonna learn a lot while I'm going through this
-resilience means trying, overcoming, and learning from
-push yourself and learn

7. Delight: How do I find delight in my life?

• Have fun/be upbeat
• rejuvinate...15 minutes, 3 months, 6 months

-think about things that give you quiet moments of delight
-something as simple as watching a sunset, reading a good book, or singing a great song

8. Transition: How do I manage the transitions required of change?

• let go...(identity, engage, enchanted, oriented)
• start anew...start small

-change doesn't come overnight, neither do these transitions, but sometimes they're necessary. We have to learn how to let go of things we can't change and move forward with the change and accept it.

He gave a lot of interesting things to think about in his talk. A lot of the time I think we focus on the things that are going wrong in our lives and whine and complain about them rather than changing them! I know that sometimes we can't change what is happening to us, but we can change how we react to it and our attitude about the situation. I have to constantly remind myself of all the good things I have in my life, which makes me realize that they far outweight the bad things, which makes me feel better. The main questions I want you to think about from this message would be these:

What do you want to be known for?
What am I driven by?
What do you want?
What gives me delight?
Why do I feel so good (or so bad) at this point in my life?

A lot of the time, we don't sit down, take an hour or two and really ask ourselves these questions. I know that I've felt afraid of being left to myself sometimes because doing a thorough introspection can be intimidating, and you might find things you don't want to see, but it is those things that will really help you develop the aspects of your character that you want to change the most. You want to find yourself? Sit alone in a room and think about these things. Think about what makes you tick, what makes you happy, and why you react the way you do in certain situations. It's really worth it.

I will post my notes from Sheri Dew some other time.

Until then,
-J

It's been a while...

Well, since JANUARY!! Lots has happened. I could go into the painstaking details of the past 9 months, but instead I'll just tell you the highlights. First off, I passed all of my spring semester courses with flying colours, bringing my GPA back up to 3.5. As I was trying to decide whether to go home to Ottawa for the summer, everything fell into place in Lethbridge to allow me to go home. I.e. I couldn't find a job in Lethbridge, I had one offered me back in Ottawa, and someone even offered to sublet my room for the summer so I didn't even need to pay rent! So, I went back to Ottawa and, yes, Subway.

Over the summer I attended a number of YSA (young single adult) conferences. I went to Palmyra twice, (once for a conference, once for the pageant) and Toronto. In Toronto I got to meet Sheri Dew and listen to a number of amazing speakers, including David Ulrich and Elder David Murray of the seventy. The topic of that conference was "Great Expectations", the title of a famous book by Charles Dickens. I'm not lying when I say that this conference changed my life.

Every talk I heard, every feeling I had, and almost every workshop I attended spoke the same things to my mind. The same questions kept emerging and I was forced to really think about them. Brother Ulrich spoke about finding meaning in you life, finding quiet moments of delight, and thinking about and working towards who you want to become and what you want to accomplish. Sister Dew spoke about our own personal mission. She mirrored what Brother Ulrich had said and expanded on it (even though they didn't collaborate and she didn't hear his talk at all). She said that we need to be clear about who we are, we need to learn about the Atonement, and we need to learn how to receive personal revelation.

These talks caused me to question what it is that gives me joy, and expanding on that, what I need to do to accomplish my life mission. For me, I think I discovered part of my life's mission through thinking about these things. What gives me the most joy is also, coincidentally, what I feel my life mission is. It is just trying to fit them all into my life that has been my struggle since that conference.

However, since that conference, my perspective on life has changed greatly. I have been happier in the last month and a half than I have been in years. A lot of that has to do with letting go of the past, and focusing on the future and what I can do to become a contributing member of society. I feel that everything I am doing in my life now is helping to prepare me for greater things later on.

I've even noticed a difference in the way people react towards me since I've found this "happy place". I've had more people introduced themselves to me in class, more people want to talk to me at church and school, and people being genuinely happy to see me and want to talk to me. I feel like the joy that I feel on the inside is somehow radiating on the outside as well, and people notice.

I hope that you can take from this, that doing an intense inward survey of what makes you feel the most joy, and what gives you "quiet moments of delight", will cause you to realize that those things are many, and cause you to seek them out. Perhaps once you do, you will be in a similar situation as me.

Until next time,
-J

Happy New Year!

Hey all,

Well, it's a new year and I hope you all have your resolutions ready! I've got a few, but my main one is taking this year to really concentrate on me. I changed the title of my blog to a year of growth. Last year, it was a year of change, which it certainly was, but not really for the better in a lot of instances. 2009 was not so good to me, so I plan on making 2010 awesome. It is a year for growing, for expanding my horizons and for working toward what I want in my life at this time. I'm setting goals, I'm looking ahead and I'm feeling confident about what I have decided to do.

I hope you all had a great holiday and that 2010 brings you all that you need. I hope it's a year of prosperity and growth.

Until next time,
-J