1. The Lord tells us to seek a higher education.
Does the Lord tell us specifically "You MUST complete a university degree and if possible move on to your Masters and PhD"? No. He says to seek a higher level of education than what you currently have. He says in D&C 88:118 "And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.". Yes that can be interpreted as going to school, but it doesn't have to be. As long as you have an enthusiasm for learning and want to increase different areas of learning throughout your life, then who cares what level of formal education you receive?
Also, from my teacher training, I know that some people just don't do well in an organized schooling system. That doesn't mean they're not really smart! I had one student in my grade 5-6 class that was brilliant and remembered everything, but he couldn't focus in class, consequently got in trouble a lot, and he didn't do his homework. Because of all of that, he was failing even though he was probably one of the smartest kids in the class. Not everyone is built for "the system" so don't judge people based on that.
2. Men as "breadwinners" and women as "nuturers?"
Ok, I know that this will rub a few people the wrong way, but let me quote some of "The Family: A Procalamation to the World":
"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual
needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live."
"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed." (emphasis added)
So, parents have the responsibility to rear their children in love, and to provide for their spiritual and physical needs. Also, in the ideal family situation, men are responsible to provide for the "necessities of life", which doesn`t necessarily have to mean monitarily, and mothers are primarily responsible for the nuture of their children. The part I italicized is what is important. In today's world, it is very hard to fit that ideal. With the economy the way it is, and with the cost of living, it is almost impossible to not have both parents working to support their family.
In my family, with just two kids, growing up both my parents had to work. Once my parents got divorced, my mother was required to work overtime in order to provide for us temporally. Does that mean she's any less of a mother because she wasn't in the home most of the time? No, it doesn't. She knew what she had to do to support us, and made sure that we were nutured by extended family members, the church and the church's programs and leaders, and by herself whenever she had time to spend with us. She even put her personal life on hold to make sure that we were taken care of and that any free time she had was spent helping us grow as human beings.
All of that being said, is it not prideful of some to think that once you get married, a woman's sole obligation in life is to rear children? What if your husband dies? What if you get divorced? What if we have another great depression and you need to work to support your family? Does that mean the Lord thinks any less of you as a woman? I don't think so. And if a man has to be a the primary nuturer in order to make family life easier, is that such a bad thing? I don't think so either. All I'm saying is, if you want the "ideal" family life, it might not be possible. If you are limiting yourself to trying to find a spouse that wants to be the provider or nuturer only, then you are limiting your options of finding an eternal companion who will love you and be there for you in different ways than you expect.
This is not to downplay the "ideal" because I know many people do live it successfully. If possible I would like to be a stay-at-home mom too. However, I know that more might be expected of me and I am prepared for that. I have confidence that whatever I need to do will be revealed and opened for me by the Lord.
3. Seeking the "perfect" spouse.
Clearly I am no expert, since I am still single, but in the last year, my perspective on marriage has changed greatly. I had in mind the "perfect" spouse. There was a checklist and if someone didn't meet one of my critera, I was wary of dating them. This is the WRONG way of going about it. A favourite talk of mine "To My Single Friends" by Elder John K. Carmack says:
"You may want to marry a man or woman just like the father or mother, the exemplary priesthood leader or outstanding woman you idealize. But remember that even spiritual giants had to begin somewhere. If you are not careful, the ideal—what you hope your spouse will be—can blind you to the numerous good qualities in potential partners. Many eligible Latter-day Saint singles who now might not measure up to your checklist will someday be fine fathers and mothers and respected Church and community leaders. Sister Camilla Kimball, wife of President Spencer W. Kimball, wrote: “When people ask what it feels like to married to a prophet, I tell them, ‘I didn’t marry a prophet. I married a young returned missionary’” (Edward L. Kimball, editor, The Writings of Camilla Eyring Kimball, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1988, page 114).
Learn to see potential in people and to help them develop it. That is what you would want a loving partner to do for you. One young woman found her responses to the man she had been dating were altered when she changed her own perspective and looked at his potential. Their friendship blossomed into love, and they were married.
It helps also to recognize that some things are “musts” in a spouse and that others may simply be matters of preference. Women, for example, will want to be firm about marrying an active, committed priesthood holder. But if you love symphonic music and he prefers sports, it couldn’t hurt him to sample the works of classic composers or you to cheer a bit for the home team.
Sometimes people and relationships will disappoint you. When that happens, be resilient enough to remain open and trusting. It may be painful to overcome the hurt, and it surely can be frightening to risk having that kind of pain again. But shutting other people out—building barriers to prevent someone from crossing into the tender territory of your heart—means locking yourself inside a shell. Be realistic, be judicious, be prayerful, but be willing to trust the right someone. That is what must happen in a good marriage.
When a cherished friendship does not develop into romance leading to marriage, learn to live without regrets. You can’t accurately predict what might have been, if only you or he had said or done something different. Avoid constantly looking back—it retards your forward progress." (emphasis added)
It was in reading this talk that I realized, I need to separate out my "musts" from my "wants". Wanting to marry a returned missionary is great, but that doesn't mean that someone who hasn't served a mission is any less worthy of your attentions. Wanting someone who completed schooling and is persuing a career path oriented to that schooling is nice, but someone who has determination and drive to do whatever job they have to the best of their ability is more important in my mind.
All of this being said, it all comes down to pride. What we think we need in order to be happy, may not actually be what makes us happy in the end. There are no guarantees that once someone meets every item on your checklist that you are going to love them, or that they are going to love you! Maybe you won't fit their checklist! Concentrate on being the best person you can be and you will find the person who fits into your life the best. Personally, I've realized that qualities like loyalty, love, encouragement, genuineness, enthusiasm, confidence, motivation, spirituality, and humility are all very attractive qualities that I would want in a future spouse. The temporal stuff? Not as important. If you really love someone for who they are, the rest shouldn't matter.
And that's my rant for tonight.
Until next time,
Jess
6 comments:
I agree, but you also need to clarify that what's right for you and your family needs to be of God's design and not soley your own.
(ie. make sure it's not based on prideful desires)
Well, you put it out there.
The ideal is a struggle but it's worth striving for. The prophet would not challenge us to this ideal if it was impossible or too hard for us to do.
Yes, circumstances change as we are all aware and we need to be prepared for those circumstances. Women need to further their education in the best ways possible in order to step up to the plate if need be (and your mom totally rocked that world!!!! - she is no less of a mother because of it, that's for sure).
I disagree that it is almost impossible to not have both parents working to support their family. It requires major sacrifice and a lot of planning and it's doable in MOST cases....not all, but most. I know TONS of families who are making in work in this tough economic climate in one of the most expensive places to live. I know families who live off HALF of what we do and make it work.
Sometimes it does require some supplementing of 'at home' work of the other parent but it's doable.
You are designed to be the nurturer in your family and if that's what you want to do, then seek the company of those who want to be the providers and are willing to make the sacrifices to do so. You will not be on equal footing and you will not be happy if you want to be at home and it's necessary for you to work to stay afloat.
Prideful to think that my sole obligation in life is to rear children once I get married? How is that prideful? It's not my sole obligation but it's my primary obligation. They are my children. I'm not doing it alone - I have a husband who is on board and totally involved with my primary obligation.
Nurturing my marriage and rearing my children at this point is my primary obligation. Yes. Sole - no. Primary - for sure, yes!!!!!
Hardly prideful.
I continue to further my education. I prepare for eventualities. I live on A LOT of faith and I have to believe that God is going to bless me for it.
I guess that makes me prideful?
I don't believe that the Proclamation is open to interpretation. It's clear that God is well aware that we need to adjust to circumstance and there is need for individual adaptation but personally, I don't mess with "by divine design".
Ok, maybe I didn't phrase it properly. It was more...for some attitudes of people I know that just expect the man to support them and they don't have to do work. Women who don't realize that being a mom is a lot of hard work!
I am amazed at all that you and your hubby do SAH, and I am in awe of how you live!
I'm not suggesting to "mess with 'by divine design'", simply that the ideal is in place for those who can use it, but a family shouldn't feel bad if they can't use the ideal. I was often hurt by lessons at church that focused on the ideal as if it was what everyone lived. I felt excluded and like I was looked down upon for not having a family with priesthood at home. That it was "so easy" to get a father's blessing. I guess I just want to represent the other end of the spectrum.
Every family situation is different. Mine growing up wasn't ideal and I do want to make mine ideal in the future. However, I know that I will have to work with my future husband and the Lord to decide what's best for us. Sometimes even if the ideal is possible, it's not what is meant for some people.
Ultimately, though I am a very opinionated person and enjoy a good debate now and then, it is up to each individual to find out what their position needs to be with the Lord and follow that path. I see that my post can seem a bit feminist and supporting a working woman, but to me, I see no reason why it can't be both. I obviously don't know whether I can handle being a full-time stay-at-home mom yet because I don't have kids. Maybe I can, maybe I can't, but I will do whatever the Lord wants me to do and I will do what is right for me and my family situation.
The pride comes from thinking you know best. James was exactly right in that. The decision should not be based on what YOU want (a prideful desire) but on what the Lord wants from you.
I can understand how the 'ideal' is preached at church. I felt a lot of that too being from a part member family and not coming from the "typical" LDS family. I can relate to many of those feelings. I also didn't have access to the Priesthood like other people did. We didn't have FHE or family prayer etc. yet we just did the very best we could. Was it ideal? No. Was I hurt sometimes? Most CERTAINLY but gradually I learned to channel those feelings into a desire to want the 'ideal' even more.
All I'm saying is that it's worth it to strive for the ideal. It's not something that you use. It's something that you become. I'm teaching my kids to strive for the ideal, prepare for the unexpected and roll with the end result in the best way that you can knowing that God hears and answers prayers and will never leave you flailing.
And, I expect my husband to support me so I don't have to work.
That's why I married him. :-p
I have no plans to go back to work unless our circumstances drastically change. Do I want to contribute to our income in some way - eventually, yes, for sure but not if it interferes with the raising of the hooligans. Plus, I'd miss too many soap operas on tv and the bon bons would all go to waste!!
Nicely written! I love the discussion about what "the ideal" is... The ideal for some may not be right for others. If we ever do expand our family, I would likely not be the one to stay at home because of physical ability. My husband would be the better "full time" caretaker of any little ones around here. We've already decided that... if it happens.
There's also a stereotype that I cannot stand within the church... I've seen more than one bishop give a calling in primary, to someone (including myself) that does not have kids.. which for some is fine... For myself, that has proven very difficult, yet my bishop keeps trying to put me back in primary. It's starting to feel to me like he's not even praying about it anymore and there's this "unwritten rule" in his mind that because I don't have kids I HAVE TO supplement my lack of children with a calling in Primary. The "ideal" is hard to find. Very hard. No two people are the same. What's right for some might not be right for someone else.
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